


As if it was a dream

by StillNotMeShh



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Party, Fluff, Found Family, Love Confessions, M/M, Married Barisi, Surprise Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:35:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27951683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StillNotMeShh/pseuds/StillNotMeShh
Summary: He had no plane ticket, no time to buy presents and the most important part, he wasn’t going to appear out of nowhere.“What are you going to say? Hey! I’m Rafael, do you remember me? The grumpy ADA, who you used to steal your snacks and was a bit of a sasshole sometimes? Bullshit.”But if you think about it...
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 40
Collections: Barisi Holiday Exchange 2020





	As if it was a dream

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BarisiLab](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarisiLab/gifts).



> Happy Holidays! ☻  
> This is my first year doing a fic for the Barisi Holiday Exchange and I was so excited when I got my prompts cause they were all so sweet and cute, but this one in particular, melted my heart.  
> The original prompt is: Sonny and Rafael finally connect at the squad Christmas party and kiss under the mistletoe. (wearing Christmas gear)
> 
> So, I had an idea, but slowly turned into something different? Hopefully, I fulfilled my giftee’s expectations and you guys enjoy this story too! I’ve been writing for a short time, but I feel like this one is different from my previous stories. You’ll see why [smirks]  
> I used some inspo from some SVU episodes and even used a few quotes.  
> Also, thanks to Sarah for the beta.  
> Enjoy! ♥

December 21st, it was freezing outside, but there was something about it that provided the atmosphere that said, it’s Christmas time.

Of course, for Rafael, this was not a thing to be so excited for. Don’t get this wrong, he really enjoyed spending the holidays with his mom, but normally it was just the two of them, and since his grandma passed away a couple years ago, this holiday was more of a melancholic event.

It was complicated. Here he was, almost 50 years old and single. Not that he was not appealing or bad company, maybe a complicated one, but not at all bad. In fact, he blamed his job. He loved being a lawyer and he believed he was not bad at it either, but all those years at the DA’s office had kept him busy. Long hours, even longer trials, and constant threats kept him too busy to find someone who could spend more than a few drinks and the night with him, and most of them were forgettable by the next morning.

But after he left due to some… complicated circumstances, he decided it was time for a change. Politics and a complicated case of election fraud in Iowa were the perfect motive to pack his bags, leave his apartment, say goodbye to his mom and move from his beloved New York.

Everything was perfectly fine, except that it wasn’t. He felt lonely and missed his family and his squad family. Although he didn’t like to admit it, he cared for every single one of them very deeply.

Liv was his best friend, the woman had opened his heart, and he was very thankful for it. Fin, even though he was not super close with him, he knew the man was the most loyal friend and was always there if he needed a hand with anything. Amanda, the sweet Georgia peach was a complicated woman, she was the perfect combination between beautiful and crazy. But he cared deeply about her, she had some bad experiences in life, and she was constantly trying to collect the pieces. Also, Jesse was some sort of Achilles heel for him, that sweet girl made him realize that he regretted not having a family of his own.

But was there someone that he missed the most? Or is it that he cared too much? Those blue eyes and dark blonde hair that matched perfectly with a tall figure and long legs. And that charming smile, the kind of smile that made you question if you were still on earth or if he was an angel. He took his presence for granted. Probably because of his ego, he now regretted not throwing his pride and reputation out of the window just to ask him out on a date that did not include a book, a case or the rest of the squad as a plus one.

But it was too late, he left without saying goodbye, and never called back or replied to the other man’s attempts to keep up that sort of bond they built over the years. It was so stupid, but he didn’t feel like he deserved the most amazing human on earth even though he had never judged Rafael for his actions, he was too kind for that.

So he tried to move on and deal with the fact that he’d lost his chance, that he was not getting another opportunity with the most perfect human on earth and that the other man had probably moved on and found someone better than him, maybe a younger man, someone who could go on long walks with him and not get tired after the first two blocks, someone who he could present as his boyfriend at family dinners and holidays. 

_\- New text message from Olivia Benson -_

_Hi Raf! How have you been? Noah has been asking for you, maybe you can call him one of these days? He has this new lego set and he wants you to see it._

_I also texted you because I wanted to invite you to a small party I’ll be hosting for Christmas this year. It’s very small, just the squad. And I know what you are thinking, yes, you are still part of my squad. Even if you don’t believe it, everyone misses you and your snacking around the squad room. Even Carisi mentioned he would love to hear one of your comments about his outfits or another eye roll when you knew he was right, but you just didn’t want to admit it. You don’t need to bring presents or anything. But I’ll make sure to have your favorite scotch. It’s on the 23rd. See you there?_

That took him by surprise. Not only because it was already the 20th and it was super short notice, but… he reread the message, once, twice, even a third time just to make sure he understood correctly what Liv meant. Maybe he was just imagining that? Yeah, definitely, he was. There’s no way this was real. Maybe he needed some food. Yeah, that’s it, his brain needed glucose, and he has been sitting in front of his window since he woke up this morning and a cup of coffee wasn’t really food.

“All that thinking really messed with me huh?”

He stood up and walked towards the kitchen to make himself a sandwich, but as he was taking all his ingredients out of the fridge, his brain kept going. “Carisi. Carisi misses me? Ha, I wish.” But maybe he did miss him, and he was being dumb and didn’t want to admit that, in fact, he missed the man too.

Now the question was, was he going to go? Not because of Carisi, no absolutely not. It was for Liv. No, ok maybe it was a little bit because of Carisi, but it was a silly idea. He had no plane ticket, no time to buy presents and the most important part, he wasn’t going to appear out of nowhere.

“What are you going to say? Hey! I’m Rafael, do you remember me? The grumpy ADA, who you used to steal your snacks and was a bit of a sasshole sometimes? Bullshit.”

But if you think about it...

“Liv invited me, it’s her house, she clearly wants me there, otherwise she wouldn’t text me, right? Also, the squad must know, she probably told them. And, it would be a good opportunity to go see my mom, I haven’t seen her in a while. Yeah, ok I’ll go.”

Yes, he’d go. Not because Carisi would be there and there was a small chance that they could talk about the past and maybe sort things out, definitely not. But maybe he will get the chance. Who knows, right?

“This must be some sort of… sign?” Rafael looked up the ceiling as if he was expecting some sort of voice to say yes, maybe it was God or something saying this was his chance. Who was he to question the universe?

The next morning, after replying to Liv’s text with a “see you there” and buying a VERY expensive plane ticket, he was already packing his bags.

He was excited. He was going to see the squad, probably the kids, and the idea of getting the chance to talk with Carisi and maybe, just maybe, sort things out between the two of them was the best.

He arrived at JFK airport later that same day. He checked in at his hotel for the night, and called his friend to say thank you because, with the holidays around the corner, booking a room was not so easy; gladly for him, he stayed in contact with some friends in New York who were more than glad to help him with that.

It was already the 23rd and he was very anxious about the idea of seeing everyone after two years. He only facetimed Liv occasionally, and even talked with Noah who was very excited about his new cousin Billie, Amanda’s daughter. He showed him some pictures and in fact, the baby was the most adorable thing ever.

Before heading to Liv’s apartment, he thought it would be nice if he at least bought some presents for the kids, so he did. He found some legos for Noah, a new play tea set for Jesse and one of those interactive books for Billie.

After that, he went back to the hotel to change into more appropriate clothes. He was not going to wear a suit, but he wanted to look nice so he went for a nice pair of khakis, a navy blue shirt and his coat.

He knocks on Liv’s door and heard the kids excitedly asking who was at the door. After a few moments, Liv opened it and after a big smile and a hug she let him in. By this point his heart was beating so fast, he was sure everyone could hear it.

“Uncle Rafa?!” Noah and Jesse both said in unison and he immediately had to kneel to hug the two kids who were so excited to see him after a long time.

“Guys? Uncle Rafa needs to breathe!” Liv said, almost laughing.

Rafael kissed the little kids’ heads, “I got you guys some presents! But they are for later, ok?” Both kids nodded and he was finally able to stand up and greet the other people in the room.

“Barba! This is a surprise, when Liv said she had a special guest I thought it was Chief Dodds or something.”

“I’m so glad to see you too Amanda.” Rafael said with a sarcastic tone and an eye roll, but before he could say another word the other woman approached him and hugged him tightly.

“We’ve missed you!” Amanda said with a sad voice.

“Rollins please, don’t cry. You’ll ruin my shirt.”

“That’s Barba for you,” Fin said, and after Rollins finally let Rafael go, he hugged the older man.

“Nice to see you Rafael.”

And with that Rafael’s heart stopped. The voice he used to hear in his dreams and more recently on TV when there was a high-profile case like Sir Toby’s was there. The tall man with his blue eyes and pink lips, looking gorgeous as always.

Rafael offered him a soft smile and after what it felt like an eternity, he finally said “Nice to see you too Sonny”. And with that Sonny’s face lightened up and he hugged Rafael as if he were never going to let him go.

The most perfect hug. Both fit together so perfectly, it felt right. They finally parted when Fin said something about dinner and the small bubble they created with that hug vanished.

Sadly, that was the only thing they shared that night.

During dinner, they all shared some stories and anecdotes from the past few years with Rafael, and they almost killed him when he mentioned he was in New York last July but hadn’t paid a visit to the squad room. They all seemed like they were having a nice time, but Sonny, he looked as if he was still trying to process.

Even Amanda noticed, and tried to tease him by mentioning Sonny used to practice Barba’s summations before his trials, which apparently only made the poor man even more embarrassed because his cheeks were almost as red as Santa Claus’s outfit.

They were sitting across from each other and occasionally shared some looks, short ones, almost awkward. Rafael was trying to understand what was bothering Sonny, maybe it was him, maybe his presence bothered him and that made his heart break and the tiny bit of hope he had of sorting things out with him vanished.

After dinner Sonny said he had to go, some emergency with his sister. He excused himself and with a quick “it was nice to see you Rafael,” he left, and with him, so did all of Rafael’s hopes.

One hour and a glass of scotch later, Rafael left for the night. He hugged Amanda one more time and promised he wasn’t going to tell anyone that she cried when she saw him. The kids were sad, but he promised he was going to call and that he was coming back soon. Liv noticed something was wrong, but she didn’t mention it, and he appreciated that. He would have probably cried right there if she asked.

“Well, that went pretty well huh?” Rafael thought sadly as he got to his hotel room and went to sleep. He was not getting his chance. Never again.

It was Christmas Eve. And apparently, it was also 1:16pm.

“Coffee.” Rafael grunted to himself.

He changed into some clean clothes and went downstairs for his ‘breakfast’, a cup of coffee and some sort of meat with baked potatoes that the hotel had on the menu.

Back at his room, the phone rang. It was the receptionist asking if he wanted a reservation for tonight’s Christmas dinner. He declined the offer and thought it would be better to go out for drinks later at his old favorite bar near the courthouse.

At almost 9pm he left the hotel and called an Uber. He arrived at the bar rather quick and stood in front of the place remembering the old days after a victory with a proud smile, a scotch in hand and nice company. When he finally entered the place, he couldn’t believe his eyes.

“You really are persistent huh, God?” he mumbled looking up at the ceiling and almost laughed at how silly that sounded.

Sitting right there, at the bar, in his old favorite spot was Carisi.

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay or if he was going to run out of the place. Apparently, he was taking so long trying to decide, because the guy at the bar made the decision for him.

“Mr. Barba? Is that you?”

Rafael didn’t even notice the bartender was the one that used to know all his orders and knew exactly when to offer him a stronger drink if necessary.

“Good evening Antonio, nice to see you.” He answered and with that, Sonny looked at him as if he just saw a ghost.

“Can I?” he asked, and Sonny nodded. “You are in my spot.” Rafael said trying to break the ice but apparently, he scared the guy.

“I can leave if you want, I’m almost done so if you-“

“What? Sonny no, I was just joking. Please sit down, you want another beer?” Sonny said yes with a super shy and quiet voice. After they both got their drinks and awkwardly sat there for about five minutes Rafael finally said something.

“So umm, why aren’t you with your family right now? It’s pretty late.”

Carisi hesitated for a moment. “My family is in Italy right now, I was going to go too, but I thought it would be better to have some alone time, and also, I have some cases and I need to finish some things before the trials after the holidays, so yeah, I’m all by myself this year.” Rafael heard the pain in his voice, he was a family guy, he definitely missed his big loud family. “What about you? Too lonely in Iowa?”

Rafael didn’t know how to answer that simple yet so complicated question. He was in fact lonely, but he didn’t want to say that out loud, so he just offered the guy a small smile before taking another sip of his drink.

What happened next caused Rafael to almost choke on his scotch. It couldn’t be, his brain was still trying to process the information while his lungs tried to catch some air. He was almost 50 years old, the bartender probably thought he was having a heart attack or something.

“I’m sorry, what?” Rafael said, trying to sound normal again.

“I asked if you would like to come to my place and have dinner? I assume you are staying at a hotel, you clearly haven’t had a meal since probably breakfast and I have some stuff at home so I could make us a proper meal.”

Rafael was still in shock. Could it be? Carisi was offering him Christmas dinner? “I mean, you don’t have to, I was just trying to be a good friend ya know, you are prob-”

“Yeah sure, why not” Rafael interrupted Sonny and he smiled.

They paid for their drinks, wished Antonio a Merry Christmas, and left. The ride to Sonny’s building was silent. A few comments about the snow and that was it.

When they entered the apartment, Rafael felt like he was about to cry. The place was small, but it screamed Christmas. He had a small white tree with a few gifts under it, which were probably from his sisters and family. His cushions were also Christmas themed and he even hung some ornaments on every door. It was extremely cute.

Sonny offered him something to drink and then immediately started cooking. Rafael thought he was watching some sort of Master Chef demonstration because Sonny chopped the vegetables with ease and without much effort.

“I would have probably chopped all my fingers,” Rafael said, trying to start a conversation.

Sonny stopped for a moment and looked at him with surprise and amusement. “It’s not that hard to be honest. The secret is that you need to know how to use your knife properly. You have to slide the knife, otherwise, you’ll crush all the tomatoes,” he said while demonstrating how to do it correctly.

“But why don’t you use a can of tomato sauce?”

Sonny looked at him as if Rafael said something especially heinous.

“What did I say?”

“You are so glad my nonna is in Italy right now,” Sonny said before laughing. “ _Non puoi fare la salsa di pomodoro speciale di Carisi con i pomodori che provengono da una lattina!_ ” Sonny said doing all kinds of gestures with his hands.

“Sonny I’m fluent in Spanish, not Italian,” Rafael said, teasing a little.

“You can’t make the Carisi's special tomato sauce with tomatoes from a can,” Sonny translated for him, “it’s a crime. An especially heinous crime if you ask my nonna.”

And with that, the atmosphere changed. It was no longer tense or awkward, they talked, laughed, and ate the most delicious pasta Rafael had ever tasted. Anecdotes from the courthouse, some family stories and traditions, and even Sonny admitting that yes in fact, he had practiced Rafael’s summations in front of a mirror for a long time before his first trial.

After cleaning the kitchen Sonny went back to his room unexpectedly and came back a few moments later wearing a hoodie and some joggers with something that looked like a similar outfit on his hands.

“Take this,” Sonny handed Rafael the clothes. “I’m sure they will fit.”

Rafael was confused by the gesture and his brain was trying to decide if he should ask something or just accept the clothes without hesitation. His brain chose the former. “Ar- are you asking me to stay?” Rafael said nervously

Sonny’s cheeks turned bright red with that question. He hadn’t even thought about what offering clothes to a guest at your house late at night meant! Or maybe he had, subconsciously. He just wanted Rafael to be more comfortable.

“I- well you see- it- it’s Christmas, it’s snowing pretty bad outside and there’s probably no cabs, and well I- I have a guest’s room, or if you want you can take my bed, and I ca- I can take the guest room, or my couch! You see, the thing is very comfortable. I can drop you off at your hotel tomorrow first thing in the morning if you want to I-”

Rafael listened to Sonny’s rambled explanation about why he offered the clothes and, again, he felt like his heart was beating so fast he was sure Sonny would hear it if he just stopped for a moment.

“Thanks. I really appreciate the gesture Sonny. I really do” And with that the other man relaxed a little.

I was going to ask if you could drop me off too, but,” Rafael looked outside the window, “you are right, it’s snowing pretty bad so, unless we want to have an accident or if we want to spend Christmas in your car, it’s best if I stay tonight.” Rafael tried to answer with a nice smile to hide his excitement. He was as excited as Sonny. Maybe even more.

With that Sonny smiled and Rafael excused himself so he could change into the clothes the other man had handed him.

“Ok but why do I have to wear the reindeer while you wear a Fordham hoodie?”

“C’mon Barba, it’s Christmas, and we are alone, so no one will make fun of it.” Sonny said, trying to hold back a laugh. “Besides, it’s comfy isn’t it?”

In fact, it was very comfortable, but he was not going to admit that.

“Objection! Argumentative and ridiculous!” Sonny lost it at that one. They both laughed for a while and then Sonny left the room so he could change into a very similar sweater.

“Now we both look ridiculous!” Rafael said when Sonny walked out of his room showing off his sweater.

“Oh please, it's not like you don’t have special Christmas suspenders and a matching pocket square!”

They laughed at each other and kept making fun of Barba’s wardrobe until suddenly… silence.

Rafael saw the clock out of the corner of his eye. It was almost midnight. 11:52pm to be exact.

They were standing in front of each other, with smiles on their faces, but the way they looked at each other made it clear there was something else happening between them. They wanted to say something, but no words came out. So they just stood there, until Rafael finally decided to speak.

“I’m sorry Sonny. I really am.” Sonny looked at him and offered a reassuring smile, but didn’t say anything. “I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye, I’m sorry I never answered your calls, I’m sorry I never said how proud I am of you and all you’ve accomplished. Mierda, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you had doubts about your new job.”

Sonny looked at him, the question clear on his face, and Raf elaborated. “Yes, Olivia called a few days after your first trial because I asked her if she could let me know how that went and she told me you were thinking about resigning.”

Rafael stepped a little closer to Sonny.

“I wanted to call, I really wanted to. I felt like I was unworthy of you, that I didn’t deserve you. I did something… awful and you are always so kind to everyone, you’d never do something like that. So I just left. And you know what the funny part is. I didn’t even realize I had… I had this thing for you, you know what I mean? I took you for granted. I assumed you were always going to be there until you were not. I was too stubborn to admit that I had fallen for the cop-lawyer with blue eyes and a charming smile. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for not being who you deserve, and I’m sure that you will find someone who has much more to offer than me, and I’ll be so happy for you if you do…”

Sonny couldn’t believe what just happened. He’d had feelings for Rafael since the moment he saw him walk into the precinct with his super fancy outfit. Those beautiful green eyes, the way he walked and how he was able to completely mesmerize you during a trial, those were just a few things he loved about him. But all that was just superficial.

During those late nights, when he shadowed him, he had gotten the chance to meet Rafael Barba. Not ADA Barba the fierce prosecutor, he met the real person behind the smirk and sass, the true human, the one who was compassionate, caring, loyal and honest. And he fell in love with him even more. He tried to get close to him, maybe even ask him out sometime, but he never got the courage to do it. Eventually it got to a point where he thought maybe Rafael had no interest in him, so he stopped trying. He admired him from afar, he complimented him but always hid his true intentions and feelings.

And when Rafael left, his heart had broken. He understood his necessity of leaving, moving on, and trying to leave behind those painful memories. But he also left behind his family, his friends, he had left Sonny behind. And he had never said goodbye.

A couple days after the trial, he went to Barba’s apartment and realized he was gone; he left without a call, without a text, without a hug, without a kiss. But Barba took something with him, and that was all those late nights, small smiles, occasional touches, all the drinks, compliments, feelings, and a piece of Sonny’s heart.

A piece he never got back until a couple days ago when he saw him entering Liv’s apartment without a warning. Sonny tried to move on, but he couldn’t, and the sight of the man he once admired and loved brought back all those feelings and he had no idea how to express them. He was excited, but also hurt, and he felt stupid because Barba never had a thing for him, he never took a hint, he never showed interest. Or that’s what he thought.

When Rafael said all those things in the middle of his apartment wearing the most ridiculous sweater and with tears in his eyes, he could not believe what he just heard. It all felt so surreal. The man reciprocated his feelings. In fact, the man had liked him since before he left, it was just bad timing between the both of them.

“Rafael I-“ Sonny’s alarm went off

“What time is it?” Rafael grunted.

“It’s 7:30, Raf. We need to get up, your mom is waiting, you know how much she hates when we are late for breakfast.” Sonny said, trying hard not to fall asleep again.

“I know, I know, five more minutes _soleado_.” Rafael hugged him “Merry Christmas Sonny.”

Sonny was about to kiss him when he noticed Raf was looking at him kind of worried.

“Sonny, why are you crying? Is everything ok?”

“I had this dream; it was very weird. Do you remember the night of the squad Christmas party like 2 years ago, when we actually realized we had feelings for each other? Well apparently, in my dream you left because you did something. You never said what you did, but apparently it was bad cause you said you were unworthy of my love and-“

“I do believe I’m unworthy of your love sometimes Sonny, you are more than I could ever imagine for me” Raf said with a sad expression on his face.

“Hey Raf, don’t say that. You are the best husband I could ever ask for; you own a piece of my heart that could never be filled by anything or anyone else. Are you grumpy sometimes? Yes. Are you stubborn? Yes. Did you break my heart in my dream? Yes. You-”

“I would never do that to you, you know that right?”

“What?”

“Break your heart. I would probably sell my entire tie collection, burn all my suits and stop drinking coffee before even thinking about breaking your heart.”

“Are you saying you like your suits better than me?!” Sonny said with a surprised face, obviously joking and trying to tease Rafael.

“What?! NO! C’mon Sonny,” Sonny smiled. “I only like you better than my ties.”

And with that Rafael ran out of their room. Sonny ran after him and hugged him tightly from the back when he finally caught him.

“You know Raf, I have extremely long legs. If it’s a race, I’ll always win.” Sonny said kissing Rafael’s neck.

Rafael turned so he could face his husband and before saying anything he noticed something.

“Look.” Sonny looked up. “Are you going to kiss me now?” Raf said playfully.

“I guess I have to thank my mom for forcing me to hang one every year,” Carisi replied.

“Oh shit my mom!” Both of them laughed.

Raf closed the distance between them and kissed Sonny under the mistletoe. One perfect Christmas kiss.

“Merry Christmas, _soleado_.”

“Merry Christmas, _amore mio_.”

**Author's Note:**

> And that was it! He he.  
> So as you can see, the story is a bit of a roller coaster and I cried several times writing it. I know the dream part was kind of unexpected, but my brain decided it was a good idea, and I believe it also helps the story.  
> As I said before, this was not the original idea, but it kinda changed in the middle of the writing process. Did you catch the reference to someone’s Christmas tree? Also, I created the relationship between Raf and the kids to add some cuteness to the story.  
> I really hope you enjoyed the fic as much as I did. And to my giftee, I hope you liked the fic, I really do. I took some unexpected turns and some liberty to change the original prompt but, fingers crossed, I actually fullfiled your expectations.  
> Let me know in the comments what you guys think! And also share it on Twitter maybe? You can find me as [@Sandraaaaa_a](https://twitter.com/Sandraaaaa_a)
> 
> *forehead kisses for all of you*  
> Happy New Year! ♥


End file.
